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Journey of Self-Discovery BY CHRIS MARTIN
As I look back on the way I struggled, and how it felt like hell at the time, I find myself becoming more and more grateful for the things I experienced in my childhood years. My hardships have inspired me to become a safe support for younger kids, allowing them to express themselves freely in my presence no matter how they identify themselves and encouraging growth in terms of their identity and the way they express it.
As a child, I felt caged by society’s rigid expectations of being a boy and the masculinity rules that came along with it. While other boys played with their newest superhero action figures, I found myself comforted by nursing a doll. While other boys played sports in the field, I was playing house with my friends. More than ever, I felt like a broken puzzle piece, failing to fit into the complete picture that others expected to see. These early childhood experiences sparked a journey of struggle and doubt, but ultimately helped me discover a new sense of freedom as a young adult.
Throughout my childhood, I felt as though I were drowning in confusion. I was constantly reminded of societal expectations and how they contradicted my own desires. In addition to this, I had been taught that some things are reserved for girls while others were reserved for boys. I distinctly remember one day I decided to ask for my own doll rather than using my cousin’s. My young and free spirited self saw no harm in a simple question, so being met with an extremely harsh “no” stuck with me for a while. At this moment, an internal conflict ignited. One side told me to follow society’s expectations, fueled by my family’s hurtful words and actions. The other side shouted even louder and told me to be myself, which was fueled by the pursuit of my own happiness.
I began to grow older into my pre-teen years, still struggling with the way others perceived me, but moderately beginning to accept my differences as time went on. I received numerous rude comments and judgemental looks based on the way I presented myself. The backlash I received from others only helped me in the long run, as I learned to persevere despite society’s strong beliefs held on me. I had taught myself not to submerge deeply in the way people I didn’t know perceived me, but rather to find support in those who embraced me for who I was, primarily my friends at the time. I learned that those who hated me for simply being myself had no real significance in my life, and couldn’t affect me unless I let them. This realization became a gradual turning point in my life, setting the stage for who I am today.
Continuing to free myself from societal expectations throughout late middle school and early high school, I felt more free than I ever had. Learning that I had felt happier with my self-expression rather than dwelling on hurtful words had been one of my most significant achievements in life. I discovered that engaging in writing allowed me to tell my own story of my personal experiences and struggles with representing myself. Throughout this creative journey, I began to explore my identity even more, becoming more familiar with myself and who I was.
As I look back on the way I struggled, and how it felt like hell at the time, I find myself becoming more and more grateful for the things I experienced in my childhood years. My hardships have inspired me to become a safe support for younger kids, allowing them to express themselves freely in my presence no matter how they identify themselves and encouraging growth in terms of their identity and the way they express it. Being a guiding light for children is something that has kept me motivated to want to help others in my life, and being able to do so in the future will feel like a Nobel Peace Prize, fulfilling the ambition and validating the feelings of my eight year old self.